July 19

On July 19, 2010- the day before we lost Carson- the 1st of our twin boys, I read this in my devotional. Hope By: Nancy Guthrie.


Losing Your Life
If you cling to your life, you will lose it, but if you give it up for me, you will find it. 
-Matthew 10:39


Last weekend I called a young woman who wrote me after losing her firstborn son, who lived two days before dying in her arms.  His genetic abnormality is likely to repeat itself in the future children she and her husband may have.  "I want to be a mother," she wrote to me.  "I want to have purpose and meaning in my life.  I want to move on with whatever God has for me- but I don't know how to do any of these things.  How do I mourn the possibility that I will never have a child of my own, when that has been my heart's greatest desire for as long as I can remember?"


We had a precious conversation, but I could tell that the high cost of what I was calling her to do- no, that Jesus was calling her to do- was staggering.  Jesus calls us to abandon our own agendas, what we have deemed will please and fulfill us, so that we can embrace the kind and quality of life that only he gives.  This is not about adding Jesus to the life we are living.  This is about making Jesus our life.  This is about putting our plans for our lives to death so that the abundant life he offers has room to take root and grow.  And death is always painful.  This is not an extreme brand of discipleship only for go-getters.  This is the call for everyone who chooses to be a follower of Jesus.


The problem is,  we don't really believe that God's plan for our lives could be better than the one we've crafted.  We don't believe we could be as fulfilled by the life he offers as we would be by the one we've planned.  It takes a step of faith to believe God will supply satisfying life now and when we die.


"Your son has given you an incredible gift," I told this grieving mom.  "He has given you the gift of being forced to reconsider the very purpose of your life.  Those who are sailing through a comfortable life at this point have not yet been forced to carefully consider their lives and surrender their dreams.  But because you have been shaken to the core, you see clearly that if you cling to your own plans and desires, you will never discover the freedom and joy found in losing your life for Jesus."
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When I read this on July 19, I had no idea what the next days and weeks would bring.  Only God knew.  


I do not think it was a coincidence that I read this that night.  He had it planned that I would read page 52 on July 19.  He knew that I would read page 52 countless times over the next year.  And he knew how it would slowly sink in. 


Putting our plans to death was incredibly hard.  Now we realize that His plans are better than anything we could ever dream ourselves.